Claudia’s Story

Contributing Author, Claudia Heyer

Our thanks to Claudia, one of our recent Cancer Lifeline participants, who shared her story with us.

Life is full and full of grace in unimaginable ways. For instance, who would have thought I’d have spiritual moments at a retreat given by horses? I wanted this kind of thing for a very long time. You see, when I was a little girl, my best friend was a horse, Echo. She was a skittish American Saddlebred. Oh, she was beautiful and like so many young girls experience, she was my first love. We were together for a brief period, a few years. Her owner fenced in a field close to my house. On the day he brought them home and unloaded his three horses for the first time, Echo, Bucky and Patches, the entire neighborhood of children ran down to witness their arrival. I was extremely shy back then and stood in the rear of the crowd of kids. The owner asked all of us who had ridden horses before, and everyone raised their hands but me. I thought, “What, are you nuts? Get up on one of those things-no way!” but he picked me up, put me on Echo, and our saga began. It is one of those happy/sad stories. The days we rode up in the mountains for miles were magic. I can still feel the slow canter pace of that horse under me as she loped along. How free and happy we were with a breeze in my hair. She listened to me as I listened to her, intuitively helping each other. She startled easily and I felt her muscles tense but was able to calm her with a word or touch. For a little girl who lived with the insanity of an alcoholic mom and an always angry and unpredictable dad, that horse gave affection and love, and it was reciprocated. It was magic. Sometimes when the owner went out of town, I’d bring the horses in, clean them, feed them, and tuck them in for the night.

My father decreed that I must have someone with me if I had to go out in the dark to take care of the horses. So, on one of the coldest nights in January, I asked one of my sisters if she would go with me. She had just come home from surgery; her appendix had burst, and she was still very weak, although getting better. When we got to the barn, I could not force the key to open the door to get into the feed closet. The horses were in and haltered and in their places, but my sister began to shake with cold and I was distracted by getting her warm and left the barn door open when we walked quickly home. The next day, their owner called me with anger bursting from him. He gave me no opportunity to explain. He said I’d never ride or take care of Echo again and slammed down the phone. I was devastated. I still feel tears coming. It wasn’t fair, life is that way sometimes, you know? I was sharing this experience with another friend who said I should write him a letter, so I did. He called to tell me that this letter was one of the loveliest he had ever read, but it changed nothing in his determination that I was not to be trusted with his horses. And so, when I saw the other children riding Echo in the neighborhood, I fought jealousy within myself. It was difficult for me to accept and turn away because I missed that horse enormously. Life lessons can be hard.

Recently when the Cancer Lifeline article said that there was a free workshop with Courageous Connections, I jumped at the chance to be among horses again and see what we could share together. I met their team leader with whom I connected because we saw in each other the mystics that we are. And we began with two lessons. The first was to do a breathing exercise where we took in a breath for four seconds, held it for eight seconds, and released it for seven seconds. The hardest part of this is the exhale. I am learning how it is so easy to inhale all the stuff of life, but exhaling is another matter. While it takes practice for humans to exhale for seven seconds, horses are very good at this. Their lung capacity is so much greater than ours! During the two hours I was there, I spent time standing still and doing this on my own with each of the horses.

The first lesson the bay horse gave me was a mental image; a very clear picture of my partner in life who is on his final journey. Essentially I saw that I inhale the stress and sorrow, but I do not let it go by exhaling, I do not cry when the urge happens, and I need to pay attention and let it happen. And so, we took in the breath and exhaled together. She licked and chewed… A sign of horse thinking and she gave long yawns as she released our combined tension. I ended up giving her a massage along her spine and leaned into her body holding her heart space against mine. We joined for a while, and it was amazing and I was happy.

The second horse, a Tennessee Walker, startled easily. The lesson that this horse was teaching me was how to stand on the earth and let the Light Force come into us from the crown of our heads and move throughout the body until it leaves through our feet into the ground. Once the grounding is established, we can walk in it all day long. This horse is a master at standing grounded and I watched as her body jumped with tension when there was an unusual sound somewhere nearby, but she kept her feet planted and stood her ground. It was amazing because a horse’s first instinct is to run if there is a possible threat to their survival. If I can stand still in God’s grace, overcome the fear and be grounded in my faith, and look at things with curiosity instead of fear, I will be so much better off.

The final message came from the pony. I have learned that ponies are notorious for being cantankerous and sometimes can even be mean creatures resulting from mistreatment by humans. They carry the strength of a football linebacker and can hurt a person if they feel trapped or threatened. When I went to greet her, I offered my hand to be sniffed and wanted to touch her. When I did so, her neck snaked out toward me, and she snapped her teeth in an “air-bite”. Now, if she wanted to bite me, she would have, but instead this was an ask to see if I would listen to her. If not, she could have escalated the message, but I got it on the first try and backed off. We stood together, with the team lead, talking gently in meditation and out of a lovely level of consciousness standing five feet away from each other. While we were there, the two other participants and the three volunteers were all standing in a loose circle facing different directions and I joined in. So it is with a herd of horses where all face different directions keeping watch for danger, but in a relaxed state with their heads lowered. We were all in a glorious bubble of energy flowing from one to another. When we were done, the pony touched her lead rope with her nose, which was hanging on the fence rail. Was I still in tune to understand she wanted to go back to the barn? Horse’s asks are often very subtle.

After the horses went back to the barn the lack of energy was felt and missed. We all had a chance to decompress and sat talking about our experience before it was time to go back to our lives. I have to say that the time spent with the horses and their handlers was wonderful. All were caring and helpful and in tune with the participants and our individual needs. I was blessed and hope to return if my path in life brings me there again.